Lockdown Journal - Unexpected Break in Johannesburg

It’s not that every day I’m accomplishing some big thing, but for as long as I am in prayer and the word and fully present, whether in class, in a conversation, at work, on a run etc. and living in line with my calling, then I am completely fulfilled.

— Yeukai Mudzi

This article has been rePublished, with permission, from Yeukai’s personal blog. The original is here. IN THE COVER IMAGE IS YEUKAI (right) with a friend

Where to even start and what to even share amidst the many thoughts whirling through my mind?! I was rereading the few blog posts I wrote at the beginning of my Oxford journey — I’m so glad I wrote and I’m sorry I didn’t manage to become consistent in posting blogs. But here we are today…

Who would have known that 6 months into the journey, my MBA program would go virtual and I would leave Oxford? Who, but God would have known?! For sure, in his/her heart a person plans his/her course, but the Lord determines his/her steps (Prov 16:9).

Rereading my blog posts and also thinking of the webinars I’ve attended this week and the conversations I’ve had, I am just grateful for my life. I’m spiritually plugged in, mentally/intellectually stimulated, emotionally stable and physically healthy. I am certain that I want to do Africa-focused work. I value community — family and friends. I am a curious systems leader who loves talking to people, learning and connecting dots. And at the center of it all, I have faith in Jesus Christ, have access to the counsel and comfort of the Holy Spirit, I love God and being loved by Him, and I am HIS.

No, this hasn’t been a period of smooth sailing. The transition from the announcement on March 13th that classes would now be virtual, to March 15th when President Cyril Ramaphosa announced South Africa’s travel ban, to my departure on March 16th, was all pretty much a whirlwind. People say you feel the nostalgia for your parents most at key events in your life ie. graduation, award ceremonies, wedding, birth of children etc. But none of that was happening during this period. Yet I wailed for my mother like I’ve never done — not even at her funeral. And I missed who my father was. I did not at all expect this and I know it doesn’t make sense — well it didn’t to me, but let me explain.

I left ‘home’ at 17, lost my mom at 19, lost who I knew of my dad at about 21 and all along have been globe-trotting. My siblings are spread across 3 countries on different continents and each has his/her own family. I am single. What Covid-19 did in those few days of back-to-back announcements was to completely shake me up on the notion of home. It took me by surprise (I never ess-per-ted-it…lol if you know, you know).

I didn’t want to be locked up in my Oxford room leading a completely virtual life with minimal social interaction. But where was I to go?

This isn’t a pity party. My life is actually great. And no, I’m not trying to just be positive. I genuinely am generally stoked about life, including right in this moment. I remember telling the director for my scholarship program (shout out to the Weidenfeld-Hoffmann Trust!) about a month ago that when I’m leading my life a certain way, I don’t at all get concerned about death. For as long as I feel like I’m leading an intentional, yielded and purpose-driven life, each day I’m like if today is the day of my death, I’m completely okay with that. I don’t feel like there is someone who doesn’t know that I love them who needs to know it, or someone I still need to forgive or that I haven’t been living the life I should be living, or anything of that sort.

It’s not that every day I’m accomplishing some big thing, but for as long as I am in prayer and the word and fully present, whether in class, in a conversation, at work, on a run etc. and living in line with my calling, then I am completely fulfilled. And I have been in a space where this wasn’t the case so I can tell the difference.

It’s not about what is going on around me; it’s about what’s going on within me that makes my life great. When I’m not at peace, I have people who remind me to be still and know that He is God, which always recalibrates me. So when I say my life is great, I mean the perspective God allows me always helps me to transcend whatever the circumstance is and rest on who my Father is.

So back to Covid-19’s effect and me wailing for my parents. I realize it’s not about them being gone. It’s about the sense of perspective that I had lost in that period. I know there is a lot I need to process about being willing to lean on family and address my default reaction to overthink and not want to be a burden. Whatever the root of that, it’s time to face it and break the chains.

For now, I’m at peace. I’m in Joburg with family. I love my Oxford experience to-date (super grateful for my scholarship — see the testimony in an older post). I am stimulated by Africa-focused conversations and work. I have family and friends across the world who I love and who love me deeply. I know I want a physical base and I’ll have it soon. All in all, I’m grateful to God for my life.